Since I was twenty-three, I've been on an intentional path of self-improvement. It didn't help that a once-in-a-century pandemic came right smack dab as I was making those key changes—but I kept on with my goals.
Three months ago, I decided to tackle something I had given up on numerous times: computer programming.
This came after a decade of me taking on self-learning and quitting before I even really picked much up. As a kid in the early 2000s, my mom even enrolled me in summer engineering programs for girls. Yet my mind kept getting in the way.
I was so certain that I had some unknown cognitive defect that would make it too hard for me. "You're either born with it or you're not," I thought. It's a convenient excuse too many people accept as a way out of taking on a challenge.
At 17, I was offered a contract by an entertainment agency to perform pop music in Japan's underground idol scene. However, I also earned a place in a CS program at a university in the Midwest. I chose to be an idol in Japan because that seemed more realistic to me. (Lol.)
This year, I decided to take a leap of faith and actually put my effort into learning a programming language. Not to become an engineer, but so that I could show myself that I could do it.
At times, I have felt frustrated and overwhelmed. When I first began, even the most basic concepts didn't stick. I spent six-hour days looking at my computer screen without much to show for it. But when I could solve a problem or finally understand a concept, I had such an intense feeling of satisfaction.
This taught me that I often give up before I even try. I've let myself fail in the past because failure felt safer than working hard and never getting it, which would confirm that I was stupid. I learned that I've never really even allowed myself to work hard before.
I've also had somewhat of an awakening. I knew I was a space cadet, drifting far in my thoughts with hardly any sign of life—but I chalked it up to just being my personality. If you're programming, and especially if you're learning a new concept, you need to be fully present. If you aren't, it will immediately show when nothing works. This experience has been surprisingly meditative and has given me permission to focus on one thing at a time. A great book I'm reading on this concept has been The Issue at Hand.
This experience has empowered me to not let life pass me by or put things on hold. A driving force behind my intention to study was also my Nana. She's a boomer and actually always wanted to be a software developer. As a teen mom, she still managed to take off-and-on coding classes. Even as a kid, I remember her donning blazers with jean jackets to work because it was apparently a Silicon Valley 1980s thing (lol). But she said that whenever she'd gotten too close to her dreams, she'd back out due to fear. She still loves computers and can do basic programming, but I know that she wishes instead of chasing relationships or embracing self-doubt that she would have believed in herself more to accomplish her dreams.
So I'm not a whiz or anything, but after three months or so, I'm able to do an intermediate course and even make some basic machine learning models. This has been a really great experience, and I encourage everyone to try learning a programming language.
For anyone interested in learning to program, there are many resources available. Codecademy and Khan Academy offer free courses in programming, and Udemy and Coursera offer more in-depth courses for a fee. In my experience, CodeAcademy is the easiest way to learn. What matters most is dedication and consistency.
Love this for you! And I'm jealous! I've also tried to learn to code. I learned enough HTML/CSS to edit my Livejournal (lol) in high school and then learned some more to make some SEO changes in my first job. But every time I've started a course since then I've gotten stymied right away and given up. It does seem meditative, once you get it. I think learning ML right now is a great idea. AI will do the programming soon enough, but learning how to build and tweak AI models seems like a very strong career move, to the extent any of us will have jobs, lol.
Most of all, though, it's less important what you're learning and more important that you're overcoming your barriers to learning. I deeply empathize with the feeling afraid of finding out you're stupid. That's been a huge blocker for me. And I'm so excited to see you working through that fear. The most important thing to learn is how to keep learning.
This is great!