A few years ago, my therapist told me that clients don’t come to her when their life is in shambles. Besides people in grief, the majority of her clients had relatively peaceful lives. Yet they sought therapy.
When life is in a chaotic state it’s easy to emotionally cruise through. At least for me it is. Bills need to be paid. Someone needs my help. Just my luck, there’s no need to think about my problems.
Early 2021 my life had the first signs of stability since leaving home. I lived as a stay at home girlfriend, had plenty of time to create content that I made money from and had a great support system. Yet, I couldn’t help but shake a feeling of overwhelming dread. Woke up at 1pm everyday. Never left the house. Felt terrible.
Two years later and my life is even better than it was in 2021. I’ve done a lot of therapy and have made strides to begin a professional career. Something that I’m proud of is my Youtube channel and this blog. Although I’d like to work harder at those things. Best of all—I’m out of bed and teaching myself new things by 9:30 each morning. Most days, quite earlier.
Roughly two weeks ago, my life has gotten a lot better as well. I won’t get into the details but I have a lot more time to work on personal projects of mine. Not to mention, I’m going on a month long vacation to Japan!
Objectively, I understand that this life of mine is very close to perfection. Yet this unshakeable dread has come again. I just can’t help but not trust myself to not sabotage. Opportunities. Relationships. my wellbeing.
I don’t have a propensity for self sabotage, I just hold myself to an incredibly high standard and when I don’t meet my goals it’s easy to recluse.
I sabotage in the form of self doubt. Emotional avoidance. Dimming my light.
I am loved and I blessing of feeling love. My health is dandy and I live in the most beautiful city in the world. I have a great life and I appreciate every person that makes it special for me. I feel optimistic about my future, but just wanted to share this today. Does anyone else sabotage(yourself)?